the significance of relational healing

the nature of wounding in relationships

Most often, our wounding as human beings happens in the relational arena.

When we're relating with our family growing up, or our community.

When someone says something subtly rejecting, or when someone makes fun of us.

It can happen with any person that we enter into some kind of relationship with.

It might appear as a confusion around how to navigate differing opinions, a fear of offending someone to the point that one withholds themselves, people pleasing... talking over others because one's not used to actually being listened to, etc.

I'm sure you can think of at least one sensitivity that comes up for you in relationship. These can be small or large, subtle or more obvious; but...

what is consistent is that relational wounds result in us somehow feeling restricted or not free in how we relate to others.

A common phrase in Somatics is: "wounding happens in relationship, and it heals in relationship"

relational fields and templates

All of us have relational templates that we learn about in subtle and often subconscious ways, which we grow into as we're growing up. These exist within the relational field, which is basically the relationship and space between two or more people.

These relational templates tell us what it means to be in relationship and they impact what we expect. They inform our understanding of relating with anything and everything!

Often we have many of them: relational templates for intimate relationships vs relationships with friends or acquaintances. Beyond that, we relate to the world around us and within us, too.

our relationship with the world

Really, we essentially form relationship with everything that we encounter in the world. Our awareness, our consciousness: the core essential self that looks out from behind our eyes, interacts through the senses with everything we encounter. We relate with the water from our tap and the water in the stream, with our roommate and our boss, with our cousin and our auntie all in dynamic, unique ways. Plus, there is complexity in why our relationships with everything in the world are as they are! Many factors often contribute to relationships being certain ways.

boundaries, self-protective impulses and pain in relationship

As a result of our conditioned, in-built structure of relating with the world, we have natural self-protection mechanisms and we create boundaries and various relational structures which enable us to interact with things and people in a way that ideally feels good and right.

Boundaries are the way we assert our limits and needs for space.

Self-protective impulses are the bodily responses that arise when a boundary is potentially or actively crossed. We tend to have a natural body understanding of these.

As we all know, we encounter experiences with others which are painful and confusing, requiring us to assert boundaries or that automatically bring up self-protective impulses. Most often these experiences are with other people, as opposed to the objects of the world. This is where we can see relational wounding!

the impact and relational templates

Often, relational wounding can be very painful. We can fret over the way relationships ended. We can lament about how someone doesn't understand us. It can strike to the core, especially because it naturally interacts with our primary relational template from our upbringing.

But what if our relational template was wounded? What if we never learned a full picture of healthy relating? What if we've never experienced complete acceptance from another person? Often, we simply need the space to update that relational template.

the role of relational healing

This is where relational healing comes to the forefront and presents a solution.

Relational healing can happen when we create a new relational container which actually brings in what was missing before.

We bring in the affirming voice, we bring in the loving response, we bring in an experience of being understood or accepted unconditionally and we actively create a healthy relational field. This brings relational healing and updates old relational templates.

updating relational templates

Experiencing a healthy relationship enables the healing of the experiences of unhealthy ones.

And, sometimes we don't even have to try to make that healthy relational container. It can happen naturally. Some people experience it when they get into a new relationship where things are different from before. They might not know how to receive it at first, and then slowly, the relationship is like a balm to all past ones.

"True intimacy goes far beyond the physical. It's about sharing your deepest fears, insecurities and vulnerabilities with someone who embraces you, without judgement. Someone who holds your heart gently in their hands. Real intimacy is when you can open up your innermost thoughts; your pain, your past and your trauma to another person, knowing they will listen with empathy and understanding. It's when you can reveal the broken pieces of your soul, and they respond with kindness and love. Intimacy is when you find a safe haven in someone's presence. A place where you can be your authentic self without fear of rejection. It's when you can stand in front of them, stripped of pretenses, and they reassure you, "you're safe with me". - Unknown

the importance of intimate relationships in healing

Interestingly, we need that new template in order to heal the old one. There's only so much of that work one can do on their own; we need one another!

It's when we relate in intimate and vulnerable ways that our relational wounds are more visible, and when that relational field is healthy, it enables those wounds to be healed.

This is one of the core focuses in Relational Somatic Therapy. We create a healing relational field between client and counsellor that enables the sort of unfolding described above; and witnessing this is truly beautiful!

With love,

Alley

Art by Evan M. Cohen (one of my favourites)